365 Days of Gratitude: I mailed out about 2600 seeds!

In 2017 I tried to buy jasmine vine seeds. I had done my research for a climbing perennial (in my zone) that was dog safe for my patio. The seller sent me different seeds, which I only realized when I finally planted them last year.

I rarely leave reviews but felt obligated to my fellow plant lovers

After finding out that the seeds are toxic for dogs, I set about meticulously collecting every seed I could. I feared my dogs (let’s be honest, only one of them is a dirt eater) would accidentally ingest these. At the conclusion of the season, I had A LOT of seeds.

It’s… this one

Luck would have it I came across a Reddit post asking for identification of a flower that was a Four O’Clock! I responded that I hoarded an inordinate amount of said seeds and was happy to pay them forward as I did not plan to plant them again this spring. Several people expressed interest so I decided to cut off the list at ten people so everyone would get plenty.

Turns out I did not have to worry about having enough haha

I had a total of 13 people send me their addresses. I ended up dividing my seeds into 14 piles and reserving one for myself. I figured I can probably find places out of my dogs’ reach to plant mine.

I counted one of the piles and it had 200 seeds!

I made origami paper pouches for the seeds and stuffed them in regular letter envelopes. I weighed the envelopes and at .08oz per all I had to pay was one forever stamp for each!

All ready to go!

I sent them out today, and I feel great! I’m glad the shady Amazon seller cheating me out of the right seeds have inadvertently ended up making 13 people happy. Life gives such wonderful turns! Did I mention I had two people offer me seeds in exchange? I simply can’t wait for spring!

365 Days of Gratitude: talk therapy.

Today, I’m grateful for therapy. We had a phenomenal session. My therapist asked me how well has my anxiety served me, and it immediately dawned on me that the true answer is “poorly.” As soon as I saw that, and saw too my impulse to hide it from her (because I’m anxious about how she perceives me), I felt I crossed into a new territory in therapy with a new goal on the horizon.

 

When I first returned to therapy I thought the problem I wanted to tackle was that I no longer felt the closeness to my parents I once did, and that largely stemmed from my unhappiness with the way they communicated/expressed themselves. During today’s session, I came to realize that I had been trying to control how my parents act/behave/communicate (essentially, how they are), because I wanted control over them to ease my anxiety about potentially losing them.

 

In my teens I often behaved recklessly, and I only corrected myself when the consequences of my behavior impacted me negatively. As long as I couldn’t conceive of harm to myself, I continued to behave poorly whenever convenient or desired. In my early to mid-20s, through a DUI and a relationship crisis caused by my own callous carelessness then, I learned I did not want my bad behavior to hurt others. From the moment of each realization to every instance of enforcement thereafter, I was always rewarded for correcting my behavior, my course in life, my self.

 

When Amanda succumbed to suicide when I was 27, I frantically tore through life searching for what to correct. I took over my dad’s care and in time was rewarded with his recovery from his terrible depression. I struggled profoundly with my mom remaining abroad precisely because she felt out of my control. When my mom returned stateside following retirement, a new dynamic arose. I seamlessly reoriented myself to task. I picked apart how my parents interacted with each other and me, for more corrections to make. I needed their communication better, their moods better, and their lives more perfectly managed (by me), so I could lower the risk of them also deciding to end their own lives. All of this I saw today. I also saw how utterly futile and potentially harmful my pursuit could be.

 

I felt regret over my mistaken direction, and the resources I threw away trying to accomplish the impossible. But, I also feel incredible relief. Now that I see I’d been striving after the wind, I feel freed (and equipped with abundant resources [energy, time, thought capital] likewise newly freed) to pursue something better. I have therapy to thank for where I stand now, clearer-headed and feeling excited for the future for myself.

365 Days of Gratitude: when things go horribly wrong.

While we were off gallivanting in paradise, our cat Beta hung out at his (former) sitter’s. Late Friday night, he apparently had troubles with a recliner and the sitter’s fiancé? (They did not provide clear details.)

When we got back in the afternoon yesterday and picked Beta up along with his emergency vet papers, I soon read that amputation was “strongly recommended” as the “large open wound” provided a view to “visible bone fracture” and this degree of injury “will not heal on its own.” My heart broke realizing that when they opted to take Beta home, the vet advised against doing so as it put Beta at risk for “developing infection or sepsis”. She even urged them to consider his “pain level” and “quality of life”.

Meanwhile, the sitters insisted to the emergency vet that we (the owners) wished to take Beta to his regular vet for amputation on Monday upon returning from vacation. They told the vet (who kindly offered to speak with us) we were unreachable. They then turned around and told us the tail is fully bandaged and Beta was acting fine. Meanwhile the vet papers actually said tails are difficult to bandage and that in his case, simply returning home for monitoring was not ideal because the tissue was too far “devitalized”. It would rot as it sat attached to his body held by a bandage.

So, Beta went back to the emergency vet last night. They scheduled him for surgery today, and he was home with me by mid-afternoon. I’m grateful Beta was a good candidate for surgery despite his age. I’m grateful for his wonderful baseline health. While I’m hurt his sitters turned out to be undependable in a true emergency (whether due to incompetence or maliciousness), I’m grateful all he lost was a part of his tail due to their negligence.

I’m supremely grateful there is a 24-hour fully equipped emergency pet hospital 10 minutes from our home. I’m grateful for the caring staff, every single one of whom really went above and beyond. With time, I’m sure I’ll even grow to be a fan of Beta’s new nub!

It just looks wonky right now, he’ll grow into it

365 Days of Gratitude: Outdoor Shower

Okay so when I heard we had outdoor showers at the villa and saw this, I was suitably impressed.

I thought they meant this guy
But they actually meant this!

Most of the rooms here have this indoor/outdoor setup, and it’s the most comfortable shower I’ve ever used. I don’t know if it’s the ample sunlight or the fresh air but it feels amazing to step into one of these. Truly an unparalleled experience. I’m going to miss Anguilla a lot!