A Series of Efforts

Coming back here after significant time away compels me to begin again by reviewing my output up until the recent lapse.

First, I fell into some familiar bad habits from when I first took over in early 2017. I relied on other people (this time, the ever lovely Christina) for regular uploads of original content, and I myself only managed to share some snippets of what I was reading.

Second, I failed to keep up with the various series I started. I started them with the intention of having a formula to follow for regular, fresh content, but instead quickly was in over my head. I wrote about failing to keep up even back in July, in a convoluted effort to both avoid updating and (re)-commit myself to the task.

That’s my life in the blogosphere. In the life lived offline, while I was away, I:

  • bought land & finalized site plans for our forever home
  • naturalized as a U.S. citizen
  • lost 15 pounds through simple (but tough!) CICO

&… I married my favorite person. Life is so good right now. But it took work to get here, and it will take work to move forward. Here’s what I’ll be up to:

After completing slow fashion season 2019 in September (with the exception of a bespoke Karen Walker dress for my rehearsal + rehearsal dinner), I’m now more motivated than ever to continue on my path of lowering consumption and waste. I’m also making an adjacent effort to tackle my “resell closet”. My ideal timeline is to:

  1. have everything organized and ready to begin by January 1st
  2. give myself a year to offload inventory
  3. plan to donate whatever does not sell at the conclusion of 2020

Since getting my second dog almost three years ago now, I’ve relied on running my dogs around as my only exercise. Unsurprisingly as Lizzie exited puppy-hood, I gained enough weight to graze the ceiling of a healthy BMI. I’ve hit a plateau in my fitness and weight loss by changing my diet alone. So I am adding back real gym time into my routine to improve my health, energy and appearance.

In November I am returning to therapy after a year+ hiatus. I’ve developed some concerns regarding how I interact with my parents. I haven’t been calibrating my expectations well, which has hurt me and surely, them. I realized that though I sought help for my grief and loss when Amanda took her own life, I didn’t really stay in therapy long enough to address the new dynamics of sadly becoming an only child in adulthood.

After completing my online QPR training, I’ve begun to explore more suicide prevention training. My end goal is to volunteer directly with a crisis center that answers lifeline calls. I’m taking these steps slowly, to make sure that I am able, ready, and the best I can be for myself and those in need.

In addition to all of the above, I’m back to use this blog as a way of holding myself accountable. Onward, friends! To begin a new series of efforts!

 

 

 

6 Things I learned as a Vipassana Server

I recently became ill (and am still recovering) while working abroad, and needed to center and heal ASAP. My brain automatically brought Vipassana to mind, because as a student, I experienced sheer peace and happiness from the practice. However, I wanted to be on the other side, I wanted to serve at a course this time. I happened to be en route to Dallas, TX and was able to locate a center just 45 minutes outside of the city. I contacted them and applied to serve between the courses, as well as partly during a course.

I was so humbled when I was accepted to serve. As a student, I didn’t realize how much work the servers had on their shoulders, and how happy they were to be serving (the courses are donation-based after all). I also didn’t understand how the center functioned behind boundary lines. As a server, you are there to offer your services, your time, energy and to send Metta (loving-kindness) to all of the students sitting at the course, without expecting anything in return. You are there to ensure the students’ needs come first, and that they feel as comfortable as possible to have a successful sitting. I learned that everything in a Vipassana course is set up for a reason, and it made me appreciate the practice even more. Here is what I learned:

1. You are also working diligently.

As a student, your focus is to work hard on your meditation. You follow the gongs in order to wake up, meditate, eat, meditate again, eat again, meditate some more, drink tea, meditate yet again, and listen to the discourse. As a server, you are still doing a lot of that, but add in preparing meals and cleaning for sometimes hundreds of people, plus ringing the gongs. During the course, you are up at 4 AM and asleep at 10 PM. Between courses, you don’t have to wake up as early or go to sleep as late, and the focus may be less on cooking, and more on cleaning and maintaining the center. I never felt better mopping or scrubbing #workingmeditation

2. The practice of noble, or right speech

In addition to adhering to the same precepts as the students, you are allowed to speak in the kitchen, where students can’t hear you. This speaking is limited to “right speech,” meaning abstinence from false, slanderous, harsh speech or idle chatter. It is noted that right or noble speech, is considered more difficult than not speaking at all, and I completely agree. It can sometimes feel stressful in the kitchen, and it’s important to practice equanimity, and communicate with compassion.

3. Metta is so very important

As a student, I couldn’t understand why the servers would stay behind after we would finish with discourse. I soon learned, the servers remain behind to practice Metta and to send loving thoughts to the students in the course and to the world. How beautiful is that? I have made a great effort to focus more on Metta during my meditations.

4. How to Cook

Being a server is one of the best cooking lessons you will ever receive. I served alongside a few amazing women and men, who all, for the most part, knew how to cook with experience and skill. In attempting to show off my own skills, I would get a few head shakes, and then I would lovingly be shown a better way to chop or cut something. I was also given yummy ideas and recipes (the best meals you will ever eat are during a Vipassana course) to make at home.

5. You may still pass through storms

Storms are a common place for students in a course. Challenging emotions and physical sensations may surface. As a server, you may still experience storms because of the challenges and potential stresses in the kitchen, and because you are also meditating quite a bit each day. Anicha, anicha… The teacher is always there for the servers as well.

6. Dhamma brings amazing people together

I made a few lifelong friends while serving. Everyone I met was full of love and compassion. They were there for all of the right reasons and had such lovely energy and stories to share. Although we came from all walks of life, we seemed to share so much in common.

In Metta,

Christina K.

21 Things I am Glad I Brought or Wish I Brought With Me On My Vipassana 10-day Silent Meditation Retreat

When preparing for a Vipassana retreat, you will definitely want to check out the list each center provides. For example, here is the list for the center in Joshua Tree (29 Palms), where I sat. After completing my sitting, I realized there are some items not listed, that I either wish I brought or am glad I thought of bringing ahead of time. Keep in mind, if you forget to bring essentials, such as sheets, shampoo, etc., the center will provide you with those necessities. The center I sat in even had a clothing closet.

In addition, if you have any dietary restrictions or allergies, let the center know ahead of time, as you cannot bring food in. They accommodated me being gluten and dairy free, and most items were labeled as ‘gluten-free’ ‘vegan’ or ‘soy free.’ If you have any questions or concerns, simply call the center. They will do everything in their power to make your retreat as comfortable as possible for you.

I contacted some of the amazing dhamma sisters I sat with, and friends who sat in the past, and together, we came up with this comprehensive list of items to consider bringing with you on your retreat.

1.    One or two big canteens

I only brought one canteen with me, and wish I had an extra canteen for hot tea during the retreat. This meant that I often had to rush through drinking my tea in the dining hall, rather than having it to slowly sip on.

“I also wish I had my tea thermos — it was actually in my car but I didn’t realize I wanted it before handing over my freedom, err, I mean my keys.” Kim H., California

“I was so happy I brought a hot water canteen. Because of the cold, it was really nice to have hot water/tea throughout the day.” Allison S., San Diego

2.    Very comfortable clothing

Even though they mention this on the list, it should be in bold. You don’t realize how important comfy clothing is until you are required to sit and meditate in what you’re wearing for close to 11 hours per day.

“One thing I did bring that I was grateful for was really comfortable clothes. I had also brought a pair of flow-y, soft jeans, but ended up not wearing them after one sit because even though they were super comfortable, they weren’t comfortable enough. Hooray for soft, long, cotton skirts and cotton tops in various weights for layering.” Kim H., California

“I wish I had brought more cozy clothes, I needed to hand-wash my clothes a few times, and actually there is not enough time in between the sittings.”-Verena Z., Germany

3.    Shoes AND sandals

I personally brought one pair of sandals and no other shoe options. Although they were easy to slip on and off for meditations, they were not ideal for getting out my energy on the sandy nature path. I felt like a turtle, with the sand burying my every step. But maybe I was meant to walk slowly?

“Non-sandals for cold mornings; I just had my Rainbows.” Anon

“I’m glad I brought indoor slippers… I wish I had brought walking shoes that are easier to slip on and off (e.g. Toms) vs sneakers. It was a pain to have to lace them up each time I left the dorm to go for a walk.” Patty L., San Francisco

4.    Yoga Mat/Bolster

“I brought my yoga mat which was great for my room.”-Anon

“I also brought a yoga bolster, which was helpful to do some restorative stretches when my back was achy from meditating all day!” Allison S, San Diego

5.  Supplements/ Medications

This was an issue for me. I didn’t realize I had run out of my Oxy-Powder, which meant little to no BMs, which in turn meant very uncomfortable sittings (pun?). The center offered to go to the store and buy me my supplements, however, you can only purchase these online. So they provided me with laxatives until my mom drove all of the ways to the center to bring me my supplements (she knew I had run out/ugly crying).

“Also, did not bring my magic herbs and had an unfortunate lack of BMs per my usual.”-Juliana K., Los Angeles

“Extra pills”- Anon

6.    Watch

I wonder if I regret the fact I didn’t bring a watch. I would often try to peek at my neighbor’s watch (now a friend of mine) to see what time it was. I was at moments convinced it had been over an hour, only to find out we weren’t even half-way through the meditation. Womp. I do think it would be helpful when I was lost in thought on the nature trail, as we had to adhere to a semi-strict schedule.

“I wish I had brought a watch to have a better sense of time, how much longer we had a break, etc. I had a Fitbit but the battery died halfway.” Patty L., San Francisco

7.    Chapstick

The desert is a dry place, and even with my heavy application of chapstick, my lips continuously cracked. Don’t know what would have happened without it.

8.    Sun hat/Beanie

We had some cold morning, and some very warm/sunny afternoons. I was glad I bought a sun hat last minute at a store and regretted not bringing a beanie for my morning nature walks.

“I borrowed a Hat for sun-protection from the center.”- Anon

9.    Extra towel

I am glad I had an extra towel to use while my other towel was too wet, or drying from being hand washed.

“I borrowed an extra towel from the center.”- Anon

10. Shawl/scarf for meditation/sun protection

I brought a scarf with me, that I used to not only keep warm in the mornings, but as sun protection during my nature walks and as an extra cozy measure during our meditation sits. I borrowed a meditation blanket and kept it at my seat, however, I noticed there weren’t enough for everyone, and I felt bad about that. Next time, I will know to invest and bring a proper meditation shawl.

“I borrowed a scarf/shawl for sun protection and meditation from the center.”- Anon

“I wish I had brought a more heavyweight scarf for the hall meditations.” – Patty L, San Francisco

Some other items I am personally glad I brought with me…

11. Sunglasses – For our nature walks, as it got very sunny.

12. Meditation chair – I don’t think I could have survived the 10+ days of meditation without my meditation chair. The center did accommodate with extra cushions and seats for those who became uncomfortable. I ended up donating mine to the center at the end to make future sits more comfortable for others.

13. Eye drops – On top of the desert being a very dry place, my eyes tend to be on the dry side. I am thankful I brought eye drops.

14. Pillow – I have some back issues, and am very thankful that I brought my own pillow from home. Rest is extremely important during the retreat.

15. Essential oils – Although we aren’t supposed to wear anything with strong scents, I am happy I had lavender to aid me in resting at night, and peppermint to wake me up for the sittings. I didn’t need, or use much.

16. Moisturizers – Like I mentioned, the desert is a dry place, and my skin, like my eyes, runs dry. Having coconut oil on hand was helpful to prevent cracks.

17. Nail cutter – Because of the dryness, I kept getting hangnails. Glad I had nail cutters with me to take care of this nuisance.

18. Gloves – Wish I had a pair for the cold mornings.

19. Laundry bag – This was great to have, since there wasn’t much space in our dorm room, and because I was hand washing my clothing.

20. Robe – Totally not a necessity, but since we were all sharing a bathroom, it was nice to be able to slip into a light weight robe right after a shower.

21. Toaster Bags – The toasters are shared, and there is a risk for cross-contamination. These would’ve been nice to have, since some locations offer gluten-free bread.

Be happy, and as always,

Buen Camino!

4 Ways to Acclimate Back to Normal Life After a 10-Day Silent Vipassana Retreat

I had a challenging time reacclimating back to normal life after my Vipassana meditation retreat. I transitioned from complete silence, without anything to worry about except sitting, back to my hectic work days and long hours. I went from 0-100 MPH/KM, so to speak. I wish someone had warned me of this challenge in advance, but after speaking with the teacher, she explained that everyone reacts differently, and so it is difficult to forewarn anyone. I decided to consult with my fellow Vipassana meditators to see what helped them during this transitional process from silence to the noise of life. Through their recommendations, as well as my own success and challenges, I came up with this list to help someone successfully acclimate back to the real world after a Vipassana sitting.

1.     Take a day or two off from work before returning back to emotionally process

I really wish I had known to prepare some time off for my return. I went straight back to my job as a social worker, which is energetically hard work, to say the least. It took me almost two days to even start calling and texting back friends and family. In retrospect, I could have used a day to gather my thoughts before returning back to work and life.

“The days after the course everything was too intense. I was glad to have one day off in a quiet hotel close to the center, to give myself the time to review my impressions and to get back to [normal] step by step.”- Verena Z., Germany

“Being able to be by myself for the following two days – and journaling.”- Kim H., California

“I had several days before I needed to do anything, so I could ease back into the world slowly.” Anon.

“Not going straight back to work.” – Janine P., Los Angeles

“Going on a solo hike in Joshua Tree right after helped tremendously. And journaling.” Patty L., San Francisco

2.     Processing the experience with the right people

Other than for my partner and parents who picked me up, the only people I felt comfortable talking about the experience to, at first, were friends who had completed the course themselves, as well as the teacher. They were able to emphasize and understand my cultural/energetic shock in ways others couldn’t. It becomes hard to explain to people who do not know what Vipassana is, making the transition back to normalcy more challenging. It is also good to know that you are able to e-mail with and even talk on the phone with the teacher if you have any questions or concerns that come up after the retreat.

“I didn’t really want to talk to anyone about the experience, other than my fiancé.” Anon

“Talking with a close friend who did the retreat with me helped a lot with reintegration.” Anon

“I did learn after my first experience to not try to explain.  It seems people are either drawn to it or not.  Once someone is stratified in the “I cannot”, “I’m too busy”, etc… and they won’t let that go, the have made an unconscious decision to let their habit, reactions, cravings, aversions, etc… drive their lives which is totally ok, just not my bag.” Anon

“It also felt good to talk to friends from the retreat and hear how they were doing.”- Allison S., San Diego

3.     Meditate, Meditate, Meditate.

When I was back home, I continued strictly following Goenka’s two-hour a day protocol for meditation. However, I noticed that I wasn’t feeling grounded, as though I couldn’t quite snap back to reality. The teacher recommended temporarily taking a step back, and perhaps only meditating for a half-hour, or really focusing on Metta meditation. When I mentioned that I felt like I was floating during meditations, she recommended that I open my eyes when this was happening to re-ground myself in my surroundings. I am glad I spoke to her when needed, as it really provided me with some strong guidance allowing me to continue my meditation at a pace that suited my busy schedule.

—I later met with a different teacher while serving a course, who I expressed times in my life when I didn’t have the space to meditate for long periods. She said, even if you are only able to sit for a couple of minutes, this is still Vipassana meditation. That made me feel so much better.

“Sticking with the meditations and remembering that everything I was experiencing was impermanent helped a lot. I also held on to two beliefs: 1- that all the amazing experiences from the retreat would stay with me and 2- that even my struggles were learning opportunities. With these practices and understandings, the reality of what was going on for me always felt okay— whether I perceived it to be good or not.”- Allison S., San Diego

“To be honest I haven’t been practicing the meditation according to Goenkas instructions (2 hrs/day) but have instead taken parts of it to incorporate into my existing practice. I’m benefitting greatly from it and am happy to have another technique to add to my toolbox.” Patty L., San Francisco

4. Use the Vipassana (Dhamma.org) Website or App as a Resource! 

There is an app/website for old students to access complete (Goenka recorded) group sitting meditations, guidelines for practicing, discourse summaries and other great resources. Contact your center for the username and password.

Be happy, and as always,

Buen Camino!

Day 12: Sensory Overload! (a 12-day Journal of my Vipassana Silent Meditation Retreat Experience)

I woke up thinking it was all a dream. Being able to talk again, and leaving today. We had to be up at 4 AM for our 4:45 AM final chanting. While getting ready in the bathroom, we kept celebrating that this was our last sitting together. When we got to the hall, it was pure silence for about 15-20 minutes before the chanting even began, which was another 15-20 minutes.

After that, we had our final video discourse. Goenka spoke of the importance of continuing and nurturing our practice. That’s a… lot? He spoke of protecting the tree we’ve just begun to sprout, by placing a fence around it. Protecting the mastery and purification of the mind, and nurturing it with compassion. No one can harm your tree, because none of these beliefs can offend any person, religion or practice.

When we were free to go, we spent time cleaning our rooms and I finally texted my parents and partner that I was excited to see them. Apparently, my partner woke up at 3:30 AM to take the train from San Diego to Orange County to drive my parents since my car was at their place. Both my hallmate and I were late to get to breakfast because we shared the same sentiments on the food. Actually, it turns out she never went to breakfast. Didn’t know that was an option?

When we finally showed up to breakfast, I expressed my gratitude to the kitchen server, since she did so much and always with a smile on her face. I spoke with some of the students before it was time for us to clean the communal areas. I got to clean the meditation hall, which was maybe one of the easier jobs? I enjoyed it. After that, we took pictures of the center and of each other.

I feel truly honored and privileged to have sat with the women I sat with. I am hoping to keep in touch with them. I was so excited to be reunited with my family. They said I seemed slower (in a good way) and much skinnier (well, duh). All day, I was too afraid to really look at my phone, or answer texts or e-mails. It all seemed too much. I felt overwhelmed, dehydrated and confused. We stopped at Highland Springs to eat on the way home, but it was too much food for me to eat. My mom then says I am acting and look like I just got out of surgery, or like I am not fully out of amnesia. I said that’s exactly what happened. I just went through surgery of the mind. We dropped my parents off at home and got some fresh juice (something I really missed).

While my partner went to dinner with his family, I had a moment to acclimate and put things away. I chatted with one of my Dhamma sisters, and it turns out she was feeling similarly. When I tell her about the UTI, she said that the water she gave me is the only thing that really helps with preventing UTIs for her, and she felt the need to give them to me. Woah! I’m not sure that’s what did it, but I am sure it helped. I am thinking of all of the articles I can write on this. I think everyone should do a retreat. Later in the evening, I find the strength to start texting others back and then enter my first at-home meditate.

May all beings be happy,

Christina K.