Excerpt from Being Mortal by Atul Gawande

In 1908, A Harvard philosopher named Josiah Royce wrote a book with the title The Philosophy of Loyalty. Royce was not concerned with the trials of aging. But he was concerned with a puzzle that is fundamental to anyone contemplating his or her mortality. Royce wanted to understand why simply existing– why being merely housed and fed and safe and alive– seems empty and meaningless to us. What more is it that we need in order to feel that life is worthwhile?

 

The answer, he believed, is that we all seek a cause beyond ourselves. This was, to him, an intrinsic human need. The cause could be large (family, country, principle) or small (a building project, the care of a pet). The important thing was that, in ascribing value to the cause and seeing it as worth making sacrifices for, we give our lives meaning.

 

Royce called the dedication to a cause beyond oneself loyalty. He regarded it as the opposite of individualism. The individualist puts self-interest first, seeing his own pain, pleasure, and existence as his greatest concern. For an individualist, loyalty to causes that have nothing to do with self-interest is strange. When such loyalty encourages self-sacrifice, it can even be alarming– a mistaken and irrational tendency that leaves people open to the exploitation of tyrants. Nothing could matter more than self-interest, and because when you die you are gone, self-sacrifice makes no sense.

 

Royce had no sympathy for the individualist view. “The selfish we had always with us,” he wrote. “But the divine right to be selfish was never more ingeniously defended.” In fact, he argued, human beings need loyalty. It does not necessarily produce happiness, and can even be painful, but we all require devotion to something more than ourselves for our lives to be endurable. Without it, we have only our desires to guide us, and they are fleeting, capricious and insatiable. They provide, ultimately, only torment. “By nature, I am a sort of meeting place of countless streams of ancestry tendency. From moment to moment… I am a collection of impulses,” Royce observed. “We cannot see the inner light. Let us try to the outer one.”

 

And we do. Consider the fact that we care deeply about what happens to the world after we die. If self-interest were the primary source of meaning in life, then it wouldn’t matter to people if an hour after their death everyone they know were to be wiped from the face of the earth. Yet it matters greatly to most people. We feel that such an occurrence would make our lives meaningless.

 

The only way death is not meaningless is to see yourself as part of something greater: a family, a community, a society. If you don’t, mortality is only a horror. But if you do, it is not. Loyalty, said Royce, “solves the paradox of our ordinary existence by showing us outside of ourselves the cause which is to be served, and inside of ourselves the will which delights to do this service, and which is not thwarted but enriched and expressed in such service.” In more recent times, psychologists have used the term “transcendence” for a version of this idea. Above the level of self-actualization in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, they suggest the existence in people of a transcendent desire to see and help other beings achieve their potential.

 

[emphasis mine]

Just a Quick Note

We’re still experiencing some minor technical difficulties on the back end. It turns out when Amanda first created this website, she utilized a platform intended for persons well-versed in coding, hosting, and site… creating? See I don’t even know what I’m saying. In any case, I’ve been frantically throwing money at every little thing that crops up, and likely getting bamboozled on occasion in the process. But oh well, we all have to make a living somehow.

 

I’m popping in to say that I’ve signed up for QPR– which is life-saving intervention training for suicide prevention– and you should too! I signed up for just the online seminar for now as I’m in the middle of wedding preparations. Once the wedding is done, I’ll be looking for a local in-person seminar. The difference between the 60-minute online course and 90-minute seminar is a what I consider vital 30-minute simulation with your fellow trainees at the end. It amounts to role-playing with one person acting as the person in crisis, and the other party addressing that crisis in hopefully a helpful manner.

 

This is a Shape article with more information.

This is the QPR Institute’s website, which you can use to find an instructor in your area, or sign up for an online course like I did.

 

Happy Wednesday, loves.

Vipassana Day 11: She speaks! (a 12-day Journal of my Vipassana Silent Meditation Retreat Experience)

I woke up nervous about today is the day we would all finally get to speak to each other. I woke up at 4 AM and ate a few bites at breakfast. Morning meditation was good and then we spent a second hour learning the art of Metta meditation. This is something you practice for about five or so minutes after meditation. It’s compassionate meditation since you send love, guidance, and compassion to all living beings. I absolutely love it.

Ok, so we are done… now what? I nervously walk straight to my room and frantically slam the door shut. I can talk now, but what can I say? One of my hallmates walks in and asks if I want to go on a walk, and gives me Cucaracha, a tree pod that makes the same noise. I shake it as we walk. We discuss our crazy experience, she tells me she’s named the rocks on the trail after her friends. We were met by an old student who is doing this for a second time with her husband. We walk to the hall together and meet another old student, a Thai woman, who I doing this for the 10th time. Wow! We talk with her for a while and head into the dining all, which has been transformed into a library. So overwhelming. Everyone is verbally embracing each other, some physically hugging. One of the Indian ladies tells me we knew each other in a past life, and invites me to say in her home in Arizona, whenever. It’s so sweet. The mother-daughter duo chats with me, and the daughter calls me an angel and said she gave me strength throughout the retreat. Wow.

A German girl from my dorm approaches me and tell me she has been watching me. I think we have all been watching each other. Another girl asked if I was from Hollywood, and said I gave out that vibe. As I try to run back to my room to grab my cards and money to donate, I am approached by more people. So intense. I am late for lunch, but I catch up with everyone and discuss the experience and who they are. My favorite hallmate said she didn’t know if the face mask was for her which is why she didn’t use it. But she will now haha. My other hallmate thanked me again for the face mask. She said she was dreaming of a Korean spa that same day when she surprisingly received the mask (manifestation!). I make my donation and ask if I can also donate myfancy schmancy meditation chair,to help someone else survive this. They agree.

The manager then approaches me and asks if I had forgotten that I signed up to meet with the teacher. I accidentally pat her and apologize. She reminds me we can’t touch, is not such a nice way. I realize I also have a migraine. This is sensory overload! I apologize to the teacher, and she said it happens. I explain the array of emotions I am feeling, which is normal. She reminds me to find balance and equanimity in it all. After afternoon meditation, where we still can’t talk in the hall, we head to the dining room to discuss rides, cleaning and the time change, which is happening the next day. We are shown a Goenka video on stressing the importance in doing our time with future volunteer service. The time change discussion goes on forever, but we finally come to a consensus that we won’t change our clocks, we will wake up at 5:30 AM which will really be 4:30 AM. An extra hour, kind of! For dinner, we get leftovers. Yaaasss. I ask this gal form Siberia (first Siberian I’ve ever met/the same gal that doesn’t sit on anything but her bottom) where she got her amazing floral embroidered scarf, and she responds, from India. Guess I need to go to India…

I chat it up with an amazing artist who is interested in completing the Camino, another woman I was originally going to carpool with, and others. My migraine is worse… Too much energy. The evening meditation wasn’t bad, but I feel exhausted. The discourse is an overview of everything, and we don’t have a second meditation. We get back and I shower and pack and talk for hours with my dormmates. One of which who had never meditated prior to this! Tomorrow is just two hours of chanting with Goenka. The now-waning moon is a celebration for the end of the course.

Vipassana Day 10: Master of None (a 12-day Journal of my Vipassana Silent Meditation Retreat Experience)

I woke up at 4:30 AM today from another strange dream, where my mom told me Prince Harry was planning to propose to me. I guess we were all super close with the royals? IDK. Dreams. I said there is no way because he is dating sexy hot Meghan Markle, and he is really not my type and plus I am in a relationship. It didn’t seem to matter. Finally, Prince Harry proposed to me with a crazy set of rings, made of Princess Diana’s diamonds. He said he’s always been in love with me. I mention his hot GF… He says the family will never approve if I know what he means. I then mention my partner, and he just walks away, as though I don’t have a choice. I tell my partner, and his friend gets involved and said he knew I would ultimately disappoint him someday. I have to start attending these nightly formal dinners like in Downton Abbey with itchy clothes and we have to be secretive about everything while outdoors. Meanwhile, it’s clear neither of us is attracted to one another. I show up for dinner a couple weeks later, and he said that he has decided to get back together with Meghan. I am so confused and feel like crap because I now have to beg for my partner back. Strange (GUYS, HE GOT ENGAGED LIKE A WEEK AFTER THIS).

Weird dreams are normal, per the teacher. While blowing my nose in the bathroom, I notice my nose is heavily bleeding for the second day in a row. Also, I woke up with painful canker sores. Maybe from all of the lemon water? I don’t have much of an appetite for breakfast, and I spent the time walking instead. At morning meditation we were asked to return and listen to an hour of Goenka telling us that we should be thorough, diligent, equanimous, etc. He also speaks on how we are not masters of our physical sensations, as we can’t control them. They come and go as they please. He explains that this is our last serious day to work and to make every minute worthwhile.

Lunch is not long after and is a rice noodle stir fry. It’s delicious and I eat a solid three helpings with some seeds on the side for the squirrel and for my dinner. It looks like the squirrel brought a friend/family member/partner along. I wonder what their relationship dynamic is like. I meet with the teacher and ask her why this is the last serious day to work. She said after morning meditation tomorrow, we will have an hour of training on a new type of meditation which will be the balm to our surgical wounds.  At 10 AM we will break our noble silence and in-between meditations, we will be able to start talking, so we can acclimate back to the real world. I then speak to her about how I don’t like to discuss the past or even the future. They both stress me out in different ways, plus the past has already happened and the present is the only thing guaranteed. She entirely agrees with me. The past is done and there is nothing we do to change that. As far as the future, we can make goals and look forward to it, but we shouldn’t be attached to what will or won’t happen. I then asked if she thinks it’s weird that I am always giving my stuff away to people who I think want or need it. She said no.

I walk two rounds before taking a short nap. I decided I would shower at the end of the day instead. The afternoon meditation is hard, and my leg pain is so uncomfortable and causes me to shift. We are brought back again, and Goenka discusses the exact pain I was just experiencing and what to do about it. He says to be objective and to stay with it for a minute or two, then begin focusing on other areas of the body. Being adverse to it will only create more sankaras. Tea time was delish with my sunflower seeds. I only walk a lap, before sitting to enjoy the firey red and oranges of the sky overlapped by the full moon.

Evening meditation is again tough and Lydia keeps talking, or whispering to herself? But I actually overcome emotional stuff and make peace with the guilt over my brother’s passing. I can’t believe November 25th will be 10 years since he’s been gone. I even cried. The discourse was good. Goenka said if we don’t practice this daily in the real world, then this retreat is equivalent to a rite or ceremony. No difference. And if we are not feeling the change already, that we aren’t doing the technique correctly. He talks about how we are the only ones in control of ourselves, no one or nothing can make us happy or miserable. Just ourselves. And this is true the other way around. When we depend on others or other things, we will ultimately be unhappy. Same with blaming others. We can only blame ourselves. He also discussed the reason Vipassana is free. It allows everyone to attend with little expectation or entitlement.

 No flashlights needed with this full moon.

Away from Desk for a Month!

We were hit by malware!

I can’t explain what that means because I have no idea. August has been a wild ride. At the end of July, I noticed some texts missing from our lovely content contributor, Christina(‘s), posts here. I actually had her manually reload those in (the poor woman), because I had no idea of the troubles ahead of us. Mere days later, more bad news.

The whole website was down! This used to be called the WordPress white screen of death! And as far as I can tell, it’s now called “it used to be called the WordPress White Screen of Death”! But I digress.

Now, nearly a whole month and 900 whoopin’ dollahs later, we’re back. Thanks, everyone. (Shout out to Nenad, Robert O., Gurpreet, Goran, Pavle, and Brian B.)

Regular programming to resume shortly.

Happy Friday!