Dr. Wise Money

I woke up nervous about today is the day we would all finally get to speak to each other. I woke up at 4 AM and ate a few bites at breakfast. Morning meditation was good and then we spent a second hour learning the art of Metta meditation. This is something you practice for about five or so minutes after meditation. It’s compassionate meditation since you send love, guidance, and compassion to all living beings. I absolutely love it.

Ok, so we are done… now what? I nervously walk straight to my room and frantically slam the door shut. I can talk now, but what can I say? One of my hallmates walks in and asks if I want to go on a walk, and gives me Cucaracha, a tree pod that makes the same noise. I shake it as we walk. We discuss our crazy experience, she tells me she’s named the rocks on the trail after her friends. We were met by an old student who is doing this for a second time with her husband. We walk to the hall together and meet another old student, a Thai woman, who I doing this for the 10th time. Wow! We talk with her for a while and head into the dining all, which has been transformed into a library. So overwhelming. Everyone is verbally embracing each other, some physically hugging. One of the Indian ladies tells me we knew each other in a past life, and invites me to say in her home in Arizona, whenever. It’s so sweet. The mother-daughter duo chats with me, and the daughter calls me an angel and said she gave me strength throughout the retreat. Wow.

A German girl from my dorm approaches me and tell me she has been watching me. I think we have all been watching each other. Another girl asked if I was from Hollywood, and said I gave out that vibe. As I try to run back to my room to grab my cards and money to donate, I am approached by more people. So intense. I am late for lunch, but I catch up with everyone and discuss the experience and who they are. My favorite hallmate said she didn’t know if the face mask was for her which is why she didn’t use it. But she will now haha. My other hallmate thanked me again for the face mask. She said she was dreaming of a Korean spa that same day when she surprisingly received the mask (manifestation!). I make my donation and ask if I can also donate myfancy schmancy meditation chair,to help someone else survive this. They agree.

The manager then approaches me and asks if I had forgotten that I signed up to meet with the teacher. I accidentally pat her and apologize. She reminds me we can’t touch, is not such a nice way. I realize I also have a migraine. This is sensory overload! I apologize to the teacher, and she said it happens. I explain the array of emotions I am feeling, which is normal. She reminds me to find balance and equanimity in it all. After afternoon meditation, where we still can’t talk in the hall, we head to the dining room to discuss rides, cleaning and the time change, which is happening the next day. We are shown a Goenka video on stressing the importance in doing our time with future volunteer service. The time change discussion goes on forever, but we finally come to a consensus that we won’t change our clocks, we will wake up at 5:30 AM which will really be 4:30 AM. An extra hour, kind of! For dinner, we get leftovers. Yaaasss. I ask this gal form Siberia (first Siberian I’ve ever met/the same gal that doesn’t sit on anything but her bottom) where she got her amazing floral embroidered scarf, and she responds, from India. Guess I need to go to India…

I chat it up with an amazing artist who is interested in completing the Camino, another woman I was originally going to carpool with, and others. My migraine is worse… Too much energy. The evening meditation wasn’t bad, but I feel exhausted. The discourse is an overview of everything, and we don’t have a second meditation. We get back and I shower and pack and talk for hours with my dormmates. One of which who had never meditated prior to this! Tomorrow is just two hours of chanting with Goenka. The now-waning moon is a celebration for the end of the course.

I woke up at 4:30 AM today from another strange dream, where my mom told me Prince Harry was planning to propose to me. I guess we were all super close with the royals? IDK. Dreams. I said there is no way because he is dating sexy hot Meghan Markle, and he is really not my type and plus I am in a relationship. It didn’t seem to matter. Finally, Prince Harry proposed to me with a crazy set of rings, made of Princess Diana’s diamonds. He said he’s always been in love with me. I mention his hot GF… He says the family will never approve if I know what he means. I then mention my partner, and he just walks away, as though I don’t have a choice. I tell my partner, and his friend gets involved and said he knew I would ultimately disappoint him someday. I have to start attending these nightly formal dinners like in Downton Abbey with itchy clothes and we have to be secretive about everything while outdoors. Meanwhile, it’s clear neither of us is attracted to one another. I show up for dinner a couple weeks later, and he said that he has decided to get back together with Meghan. I am so confused and feel like crap because I now have to beg for my partner back. Strange (GUYS, HE GOT ENGAGED LIKE A WEEK AFTER THIS).

Weird dreams are normal, per the teacher. While blowing my nose in the bathroom, I notice my nose is heavily bleeding for the second day in a row. Also, I woke up with painful canker sores. Maybe from all of the lemon water? I don’t have much of an appetite for breakfast, and I spent the time walking instead. At morning meditation we were asked to return and listen to an hour of Goenka telling us that we should be thorough, diligent, equanimous, etc. He also speaks on how we are not masters of our physical sensations, as we can’t control them. They come and go as they please. He explains that this is our last serious day to work and to make every minute worthwhile.

Lunch is not long after and is a rice noodle stir fry. It’s delicious and I eat a solid three helpings with some seeds on the side for the squirrel and for my dinner. It looks like the squirrel brought a friend/family member/partner along. I wonder what their relationship dynamic is like. I meet with the teacher and ask her why this is the last serious day to work. She said after morning meditation tomorrow, we will have an hour of training on a new type of meditation which will be the balm to our surgical wounds.  At 10 AM we will break our noble silence and in-between meditations, we will be able to start talking, so we can acclimate back to the real world. I then speak to her about how I don’t like to discuss the past or even the future. They both stress me out in different ways, plus the past has already happened and the present is the only thing guaranteed. She entirely agrees with me. The past is done and there is nothing we do to change that. As far as the future, we can make goals and look forward to it, but we shouldn’t be attached to what will or won’t happen. I then asked if she thinks it’s weird that I am always giving my stuff away to people who I think want or need it. She said no.

I walk two rounds before taking a short nap. I decided I would shower at the end of the day instead. The afternoon meditation is hard, and my leg pain is so uncomfortable and causes me to shift. We are brought back again, and Goenka discusses the exact pain I was just experiencing and what to do about it. He says to be objective and to stay with it for a minute or two, then begin focusing on other areas of the body. Being adverse to it will only create more sankaras. Tea time was delish with my sunflower seeds. I only walk a lap, before sitting to enjoy the firey red and oranges of the sky overlapped by the full moon.

Evening meditation is again tough and Lydia keeps talking, or whispering to herself? But I actually overcome emotional stuff and make peace with the guilt over my brother’s passing. I can’t believe November 25th will be 10 years since he’s been gone. I even cried. The discourse was good. Goenka said if we don’t practice this daily in the real world, then this retreat is equivalent to a rite or ceremony. No difference. And if we are not feeling the change already, that we aren’t doing the technique correctly. He talks about how we are the only ones in control of ourselves, no one or nothing can make us happy or miserable. Just ourselves. And this is true the other way around. When we depend on others or other things, we will ultimately be unhappy. Same with blaming others. We can only blame ourselves. He also discussed the reason Vipassana is free. It allows everyone to attend with little expectation or entitlement.

 No flashlights needed with this full moon.

I woke up around 5:30 AM from a very strange dream. I somehow escaped for the night with my partner, and all of a sudden we were making out in our apartment, but then it wasn’t our apartment. I explained that we shouldn’t be doing this because it’s one of the rules. As I am trying to explain, he transformed into a previous partner, who wasn’t as compassionate or understanding.  I began freaking out because I was at least two hours away from the course, and I would need to get back before anyone sees me (so, like 2 AM). Meanwhile, there is a cat in the apartment, who isn’t Banana, and who keeps hissing and posturing at me. I grab a nearby violin bow and point at it to exert myself as alpha, and end up poking it. It stops moving and when I take a look, I realize that I have badly punctured the poor creature, and it’s really hurt. I freak out even more and think about what kind of monster I am. I feel like complete crap and wake up. Luckily this was followed by a BM (toxins, am I right?).

Breakfast was as per usual. I walked a mile, and when I got back to my room I noticed I was developing foot blisters. I can’t complain considering that I have been using the same sandals everyday. I threw on some bandaids. Morning meditation goes well. We are always asked to return back to the hall for further instructions now. When we are given breaks, we all run to the restroom. I think all of us are drinking more water than usual. Again, so glad my hallmate gave me those extra bottles. I use them for my lemon water concoction and use my own canteen for regular water.  I still don’t understand why anyone would want to remain in the hall. Too loud, too smelly and too much energy.

Lunch is a vegan gluten-free lasagna, which isn’t bad. The squirrel makes its return and us regulars go out and help it get its filling of seeds for the winter. I keep thinking we could get in trouble for this, but it’s worth it. I meet with the teacher to ask what  ‘sweep and moss’ means. She explains he is saying ‘sweep and mass’ which means sweeping through the entire mass of the body, rather than focusing on each individual part. I ask about ‘weebletts’ and she says he is saying ‘wavelets.’ We both agree that he has a strange choice for words. I make three rounds on the trail before having to stop due to my blister pain. Afternoon meditation is quiet, smooth and quick. Can’t complain.

Tea time is better because I felt inspired by the squirrel and I snuck a second handful of seeds for myself to get protein in the evening. I throw olive oil salt and pepper on them. I notice the gal sitting next to me is really crying. I haven’t heard or seen too many people crying since being here. I figure because it’s so dry? I walk for a little while before sitting on a rock to enjoy the colorful sunset and the almost full moon. It is gorgeous up against the pink sky and looks huge. Lydia is especially loud during evening meditation, constantly shifting, coughing and making strange grunting noises. I assume she is in and out of sleep.

During the discourse, Goenka discusses how awareness and equanimity must go hand in hand in for meditation practice to be successful. He describes them like wings of a bird. They must be equal in length. He explains the differences between the four types of people: people who leave darkness for darkness, people who leave the light for darkness, people who leave darkness for light, and people who leave light for light. So then he tells us stories of many salty people wanted to take Buddha down, and one story really stuck to me. A Hindu priest whose followers started following Dharma, notices his livelihood going down the drain, because everyone was jumping on the Vipassana train, and no longer needed religious rituals led by priests. He shows up to kill Buddha and aggressively starts yelling at him. Buddha asks him to sit down, the priest doesn’t because he knows if he calms down he won’t move forward with killing him. So, he keeps verbally abusing him. Until Buddha asks, ‘Sir, do people visit your home?’ ‘Yes, many, why?!’ ‘What happens if they bring you a gift that you don’t want to accept?’ ‘I tell them to keep it because I don’t want it.’ ‘Well sir, you are a visitor in my home and I won’t accept your gift of verbal abuses.’ The man is so shocked by this statement that he begins receiving training in Vipassana. Goenka discusses how we can still respond without reacting if something is bothering us. We can stand up to it… just as long as it is 100% with good intention.

In avoiding creating sankara’s (roots of craving and aversion), the old sankara’s will naturally go away. Just like the body takes a while to die while it is starving from lack of calories. We will starve our body of sankaras. It’s important for us to take care of the root of the tree, otherwise, we won’t have fruit.  The last meditation of the evening was quite difficult. People seemed fidgety. Lydia wouldn’t stop moving, unzipping and zipping her purse, coughing, etc. I developed a cough myself, which is why I was happy to hear some chanting. Tomorrow is day 9. Holy moly!