Vipassana Day 8: Feliz Dia de Los Muertos aka Realizations (a 12-day Journal of my Vipassana Silent Meditation Retreat Experience)

I woke up at 4 AM this morning – woo! I then fell back asleep. Oops. It’s getting colder and colder outside. So glad I found this weird bleached jacked in the Extra Clothes closet. At breakfast, I ate my ‘popcorn’ and as I stared outside, I thought, has anyone studied Vipassana as a detox or rehab method for addiction? I know I am already feeling the benefits, and know it could surely work miracles on others. I walk my four rounds while admiring the fiery sunrise before morning meditation. Meditation is smooth for the most part, but some drama seems to happen when I hear one of the ladies in the back walking about. After about ten minutes, I hear the teacher telling the manager to check on her, and about another ten minutes later she brings her back in. The teachers are always taking notes as we meditate, and I can hear them whispering things to the managers. This makes me nervous because I keep thinking it’s me that’s the problem. For example, I use peppermint essential oils to help my neck pain as I meditate and to keep me awake. I just assume they are going to call me out for being too strong smelling. Or perhaps, I am rocking again or being too loud. But so far, except for on Sunday (Day 4) they haven’t called me out for doing anything wrong. Then I imagine a Vipassana reality tv show lolz.

After meditation, we are asked to return back for further instruction. Goenka comes on the speaker and speaks on the comparison being a root of misery. When we compare ourselves to our fellow meditators, for example, or even ourselves in the past. I completely get this, and it’s the reason I have a slight aversion to social media. These recordings have all been recorded in 1991, by the way. I wonder what Goenka would think of society if he were alive right now, with all of us glued to our electronics.

While waiting for lunch, I notice the men across the way also waiting for the sound of the bell to enter. We are so far apart in everything we do, that I can’t help also making assumptions about them too. Apparently, the pregnant woman’s husband is also doing this, as well as some of the other women. I wonder if they try to look for each other. It would be hard to have my partner on the other side, without being able to communicate.

Lunch is good. Sweet potatoes with baked tofu (perfect with sriracha) which kind of tastes like chicken nuggets. As I am eating, I notice the writer I met on the first day, playing with something outside. I then see the desert squirrel. He/she is back! She is feeding the little bundle of joy seeds. Soon after, I follow suit and bring seeds and get close and personal with this bubble of fur. Others join in on the fun. One of them is the cute older Indian women who is here with her daughter. We are trying so hard not to crack up from the cuteness overload.

While meeting with the teacher, I asked what Goenka means about measuring our success via equanimity. She says our success is measured by how calm and balanced we remain inside and out of our practice. I ask if meditation gets any easier as time goes on, and she responds it gets different. But yes, an hour seems like no time at all after a while. I explain that I came here with certain intentions, but I am not finding the answers I need. She explained, that with further practice, I will gain more clarity. I then ask if any longitudinal studies have been conducted on Vipassana and substance dependence. She said it’s difficult because those who are dependent generally don’t want to to stay clean long enough to complete this. I then think, maybe if they did this straight after rehab, for example, before or instead of going to a sober living home it could be plausible.

Goenka told us a story yesterday of a woman who lost her two-year-old and was in complete denial of it. She went to Buddha and begged him to bring her child back to life. He asked her to bring him a bag of lentils, but only from a home where no one has died. She soon realizes that death is unavoidable, everyone experiences it, and decides to complete a Vipassana retreat and ultimately finds happiness. I walk my two rounds and take a refreshing shower. Afternoon meditation is fine, but I keep hearing the teacher whispering about someone in the back. Lydia’s cough drops are driving me NUTS.

At the tea break, the cute Indian lady looks at me and then looks at where the squirrel was and shrugs her shoulders to say that the cute animal isn’t here, sadly. I want to communicate that they will probably be back tomorrow for more. Tea time is fine, and I take two extra oxy mag supplements because I still haven’t gone to the restroom. Ugh. Meanwhile, I see one of the older woman looking at the posters in the kitchen, skipping days ahead. A few of us get in on this delinquency. We see that Sunday will start at 4:30 AM for all of us in the hall. Yippee. The course is not over until 7:30 AM, which I assume is when we will start cleaning and leave. I fantasize about what I will eat when I regain my freedom. Mmm. Eggs!

I walk a few rounds around the trail and enjoy the sunset, taking a brief seat on the rock facing the mountain, and think maybe I will miss this… then break into laughter. Evening meditation was tough, it felt like forever. I notice my visual snowoften gets in the way, it’s been more active than ever before. For those who aren’t familiar, visual snow is like constantly looking into a kaleidoscope when your eyes are shut, while everything has fuzz on it. It’s super fun.

At discourse, Goenka discusses we have five friends: confidence, effort, awareness, concentration, and wisdom. He discusses how we all probably want to tell certain people in our lives about this. Uh, yes. He then talks about blind faith. How it is not realistic to assume that because we believe in something, we will automatically enter into paradise. He speaks about how donating money for future Vipassana courses is nice, but serving at future retreats would be just as appreciated, if not more. This course I am taking was paid for by old students. These courses do not cost a dime, and everyone who organizes and works here is a volunteer. I just think it’s tough for the average person to take time off, let alone when they aren’t allowed to communicate during that time. Goenka is really sweet in his delivery, and I get sad knowing that I will only see him for three more nights and that he has already passed away. I wonder if he ever reached nirvana. The last meditation I spend thinking about this retreat. Later while on the toilet, I examine the contents of the trash and feel compassion for anyone having to do this while on their period.

Vipassana Day 7: Happy Halloween aka Glamorous (a 12-day Journal of my Vipassana Silent Meditation Retreat Experience)

I woke up at 1:30 AM this morning, despite taking Benadryl. Bumps and itchiness still present. Those pills have been in my purse for a while, and I can’t find an expiration date. This is the fourth morning I’ve had Fergie’s Glamorousstuck in my head. Great song, but not an appropriate setting. Where is impermanence when you need it? I force myself back to sleep.

For breakfast, I crush up rice cakes and throw on salt, nutritional yeast, and olive oil. If you squint hard enough, it kind of tastes like buttery popcorn (created a recipe for it here). Finally, something savory. When I leave, a group of women are standing facing the sunrise, and are in awe as though watching a spectator’s sport. After I walk around the path a few times, I head in for morning meditation. For about 10+ minutes before we all enter the hall, most of us stretch. It’s amazing how limber a lot of these older women are. I feel like a robot in need of grease in comparison. The mediation goes well. Lydia is quiet, but the women in front of her clear her throat about every few minutes, and makes this gross swallowing sound when she does.

I eat lunch outside because it’s slightly cool and beautiful. They serve red lentil soup with curried peas and cauliflower. It tastes ok. I stock up the salad and rice. As I am eating the manager heads outside holding a white bag and hands it to me. It reads ‘Please give to Christina, it is very important. Thanks, Mom.’ UMMMMM. My mom drove 2.5+ hours to drop off my oxy mag supplements. Who is even worthy of such treatment?! I start to cry… (silently) UGLY CRY. Later with the teacher, I bring this up, partly out of shock from the amount of unconditional love my parents have for me, and the sadness I have for not being able to communicate how grateful and appreciative I am for them. But I keep reminding myself that I will see them this weekend. With the teacher, I also bring up Goenka’s accent, and how I can’t understand everything he says. Like ‘cross sensations.’ She says he is saying ‘gross sensations’ Ohhhh… How about when he says ‘an abortion to these sensations.’ Apparently, he is saying aversion. Well, that makes a huge difference. Both his pronunciations and word choices are just silly to me. I then ask if the sensations we are feeling are old traumas or sakaras. And she said yes. Each time we feel aversion or craving, there is a physical sensation that pops up. That is what is bubbling up. Then for venting purposes, I bring up Lydia yesterday. She said she knows, and that each person is experiencing their own challenges here. After meeting with her, I clean the communal restrooms which weren’t so bad and then shower and do some laundry. Afterward, I walk two rounds and shower again (it’s hot). Really great use of my resting time, I think.

Afternoon meditation is good, except Lydia is playing with a cough drop in her mouth. She also takes forever to unwrap other cough drops. Why not just unwrap them before you enter the hall?! I keep thinking that I have four more days of this. Before walking in, I was stretching on a rock and saw the cutest little creature. I want to say it’s a dessert squirrel (later confirmed as such), but this is the first time I’ve seen one in the flesh. It’s small, furry, and has the cutest curly tail. It has a cactus fruit dangling from its full cheeks, and I just wanted to capture and take it home. Law of nature (Dhamma), right?

At the tea break, I have tea with a banana with salt and cinnamon sprinkled on top. I oil pullas I walk, and nearly choke. Won’t be doing that again.

Each time I am about to enter another meditation, I think to myself, how am I going to last another hour of this?! As I walk in, Lydia yawns and I get a good whiff of her dead tooth. Lovely. That’s what I’ve been smelling this entire time. Yuck. They really set me in a crappy spot, or maybe this is part of the learning experience. If I can meditate next to her, I suppose I can meditate anywhere. Again, she is loudly sucking on a cough drop. I just can’t.

During the discourse, Goenka discusses craving and addiction. If you learn the sensation you are craving, you won’t need the substance. The substance is never what you are actually going after. Frankly, I haven’t had any craving for my Juul (e-cig) since I’ve been here. So I guess something is working? He discussed how Vipassana has helped numerous people in the past. Like the president of Burma, who was an alcoholic. And after finally agreeing to stop alcohol to take the course, he realized he didn’t need it anymore. Then he said our five biggest enemies are craving, aversion, tiredness, agitation, and doubt. He explains we are coming out of the most intense part of the surgery. He then pats us on the back for not running away (I mentally do the same). As far as I can tell, all of us are still here. I’ve literally made up stories for each person, complete bios for where they are from, if they are in relationships, what they do for a living, the reason they are here. It will be weird to finally talk with them and be proven right or wrong. Goenka then mentioned that Vipassana is a science, not a dogma. I can dig that. The last meditation is difficult. I don’t see why we can’t just head to bed after the discourse. As I am meditating, I think of all of the people I know who this would greatly benefit.

FYI no one dressed up for Halloween. But as we left to our rooms from the meditation hall, it was cold and windy and a waxing almost-full moon lit the way. It’s as spooky as it can get at in Dhammaland. I think to myself, what would Goenka dress up as? Maybe a priest? Ha.

Vipassana Day 6: Objectivity (a 12-day Journal of my Vipassana Silent Meditation Retreat Experience)

I yet again woke up at 2 AM. I suppose my body doesn’t need as much sleep since I am sitting all day. I force myself back to sleep and awoke with everyone else at 4 AM. My appetite is getting worse and worse. I barely had more than a few bites of my cereal. Note to self. I do not like rice milk. I figured I would make up for the missed calories at lunch. I make a few rounds on the trail today. I notice one of my dorm mates wearing a Pilgrimage of the Heart Yoga (local yoga spot in San Diego) shirt, and realize, holy shit, I’ve taken her class before. Small world.

I only brought sandals with me (grrrreat idea), and there were no shoes in my size to borrow from the communal closet. So I’m just being salty because I can only go so fast before the sand buries my feet underneath like quicksand on the trail. Forced mindful walking, I suppose. The sunrise never gets old. There is a woman here who looks super unhappy, and I sometimes see her talking to herself. I know we aren’t supposed to smile at each other, but I tried when we both went for the sunflower seeds at the same time, and she wasn’t having it.

This morning’s meditation went smoothly except for my favorite neighbor, who wouldn’t stop thrashing in her chair or unzipping her fanny pack. Also, a pistachio nut she snuck in fell out off of her when she was getting up to leave yesterday. Naughty naughty, Lydia. We were asked to stay behind after, and the teacher called up our usual small group to ask how we were doing with the new Vipassana technique. Lydia said she will try to follow it. That’s because she is still in and out of sleeping, and thrashing around in her chair. I have been stretching and doing yoga poses more than ever before, and hope to continue when I get back home.

I didn’t have much of an appetite at lunch, and I wasn’t feeling the black bean chili they were serving. I maybe had two bites, and I got a few ‘how can she be throwing all of that food away!’ looks. I sadly wasn’t even feeling the salad. At least they compost here. I met the teacher after and expressed how weird it feels not to say ‘bless you’ when I hear someone sneeze. She said we will be able to do so in five days. I then expressed my guilt about not being able to help a woman in our group, who is disabled and uses a wheelchair. I see her struggle getting up the hill to the meditation hall and other places. It hurts my heart to watch. I don’t know what to do, since we can’t communicate. But I’ve seen other participants help her. The teacher said this specific student is capable of transporting herself, however if I see she is having a hard time and struggling again, that I can push her without saying anything. I brought up my lack of appetite, and she said it’s normal. I brought up my guilt of being born into a privileged life, while others aren’t. And she said that is just the law of nature. She said all we can do is try our best to help. It’s their karma. I then brought up my facial hives which are much more pronounced on my face, and super itchy. She recommended that I take a Benadryl at night.

After speaking with her, I walked two laps and took a cool shower and washed my clothes. I had a feeling to then look into the ingredients of everything I was putting on my face, and found that one of the Korean face masks lists copper as an ingredient. Well, I am allergic to copper, so that’ll do it. Since I brought extra face masks, I decided to give them away. The first one went to my herbalist friend, and the other to my friend across the way who gave me the water bottles. Both have been so nice, and I can really feel their energy urging me to keep going. When I went to my assigned bucket in the bathroom, I saw that there were new earplugs in my bag! I knew it was my hallmate. She is so sweet.  I feel bad I can’t acknowledge her gift.

Afternoon meditation was ok. I tried to have compassion for Lydia but failed. I had an urge to just get up to tell her to please stop. I will bring this up with the teacher tomorrow. Tomorrow is my cleaning day. Exciting! Anything to keep the mind distracted, right? We are officially halfway through. Five more full days to go! Tea break was disappointing. I had my Go Lightly tea and a banana. I’m 85 years old, guys. I noticed that some of the participants have lunch leftovers they are able to eat at dinner. I should’ve requested that ahead of time. My stomach is growling and I’ve maybe eaten around 200 calories today. Hopefully, I will have more of an appetite tomorrow.

During rest, I collected my dry clothes and made two rounds on the trail, before heading to meditation. This evening’s meditation felt like forever for me. I must have done at least 10 full body scans before he started chanting. I could’ve sworn it was more than an hour, but I didn’t have a watch to sneak a peak, and it just could not have been more than an hour. The discourse was all about physical sensations. Be objective and taking notice, rather than create a craving or aversion for or towards them. Why? Because of nothing last forever aka Anicca. I’m hoping these meditations get easier for me, but each time is different. Our last meditation of the evening was short but also felt dragging. Another minute and I was convinced I would pass out. I would’ve left the first chance I had, but my legs fell asleep and it took me a few minutes for the blood to rush to the appropriate quadrants of my body. As far as I am concerned, Smooth Move doesn’t move anything. I will return back to Fleet tomorrow.

Things I have noticed so far…

1.      No migraines since I have been here

2.     I drink around 120 oz water/day

3.     I eat between 200-1000 calories per day

4.     I walk 1-3 miles per day

5.     I am still pretty flexible

6.     I am able to get in all of my PT exercises, and then some

7.     The ringing in my ear (tinnitus) has transformed into what sounds like a faucet running from afar

8.     No itchy ears

9.     Feet are still dry, despite my daily care

10.   I can brush and floss my teeth 3-4 times a day

11.   Still constipated

12.   No lump in my throat! It went away. Psychosomatics ftw!

13.   Haven’t craved my e-cig

Side note: So much Sanskrit EVERYTHING… Like we get it, you went to India once.

Benadryl is making me sleepy…

BuenQamino’s Summer Playlist 2019

Music has always brought me an insurmountable amount of happiness and comfort. As far back as I can remember, I’ve associated certain songs, or playlists, with moments of my life, like soundtracks. And with the invention of Shazam, an app that is able to listen to any song and tell you the artist’s name and song title, I’ve been able to take snapshots of what moments have sounded like in my life. Thus, the playlists I’ve created are souvenirs from certain periods (adventures included) in my life.

Most recently, I was supposed to travel to South America, a trip we’d been planning for quite some time. This was the first big attempt at traveling, since my diagnosis and treatment of Lyme Disease. Unfortunately, I had a flare-up, and had to make the awful decision of boarding while reacting, or returning home. I decided on the latter. I was relieved, but also quite depressed about the situation. In grieving over forfeiting this long-awaited trip, I turned to music and created a playlist that would reflect what my summer and trip would’ve looked like in South America, as well as the reality of my healing staycation. I described it on Spotify as “…perfect for the beach, river floating, or summer dazing. Mineral sunscreen not included.”

Hope you enjoy! LISTEN HERE 

Vipassana Day 5: You Reap what you Sow (a 12-day Journal of my Vipassana Silent Meditation Retreat Experience)

Whoever said Day 3 is the hardest, didn’t quite make it to Day 4. I woke up at 2 AM, needing to use the restroom. The restroom window is always open, and I’m constantly paranoid someone or something is watching me when I am in there. The paranoia continued when I returned to my room. I barely slept and finally woke up around 5:45 AM. Yeah, yeah…I am supposed to be up at 4 AM for morning meditation. Whatever. Tell my body about it.

Breakfast was really light, a little cereal, soy milk, and prunes (that don’t do anything for me). I so want to request rice for breakfast. There was a sign posted that our schedule would be changed for the day. There would be no meeting with the teacher (nooo), and we would be learning the Vipassana technique during our afternoon mediation which would be three hours. I got in a mile on the racetrack. I love watching the sunrise over the desert. At morning meditation, I suffered more than ever before. I nearly fell asleep between my legs and rocked myself to stay awake. We were STILL focusing on the area below the nostrils (anapana meditation) and I was just done with it. I told the manager after meditation about my slow-going to the bathroom. She offered to pick me up something from CVS, but I explained what I need is only sold online. She then offered me Fleet, which I took because beggars can’t be choosers. But, what’s Bisacodyl? No Google to look that up. I really dislike laxatives.

When I got back to the room, I took out my writing supplies and felt panicked. I was feeling super claustrophobic and wanted to be home. Before I could even get my thoughts straight, the manager knocked and barged into my room (can they even do that?!), and said the teacher would like to meet with me. GULP. The sign said she wasn’t meeting with anyone today?! I imagined just telling her I’m DONE. Seriously, done! I can’t do this. I imagined how I would have to wait around for my mom or an uber/lyft to pick me up. I wonder if the manager saw that I had writing material out, and what that would mean for me… Can we write? I still don’t know. Would they collect it? If so, would they read it? Would they be offended by what they would read? Then I remembered, I have the penmanship of a 6-year-old child or doctor? We will go with the latter. They won’t be able to read it either way.

In the meeting, I found out she, the teacher had clearly taken notes on me, and noticed that I suffered during the morning meditation. My subtle rocking, was apparently super distracting to those who had their eyes open (aka just her and the male teacher?). She was concerned because our meditation would be a total of three hours straight this afternoon.  She said she would give me permission to take a 5-minute break if I felt the need to begin rocking again. She asked about my UTI and constipation. I guess the manager tells her everything? My writing! Gulp! She asked if all of the sounds are bothering me, and I responded it is better than it was yesterday. I explained that my butt is numb, and she recommended adding a cushion. After our meeting, I asked the manager if she had any recommendation on how to survive. She did not respond and proceeded into the teacher’s room. I panicked. She is only going to tattle tell about my contraband (is it even contraband? ahh!). Why didn’t I lock the damn door?! Also, good thing I didn’t have my watercolor painting set out (yes, I brought it with me).

I’m back in the room and going crazy. I figure they will kick me out before I can quit. I felt like absolute crap.

I go to lunch later than usual, and the manager is waiting outside and asks to speak with me. GULP. She hands me some Smooth Move tea bags and asked that I repeat the question of what I asked earlier because she didn’t hear it. She said that learning Vipassana meditation this afternoon will make me feel better. I then got teary and said I don’t think I can do this, and she responded that I can. I really began crying out of relief, knowing she might not have seen anything, or simply didn’t say anything to the teacher. I am still safe in dhammaland. Lunch is ok. There were a not-so-edible tofu steak, mashed potatoes, and my favorite salad. I didn’t have much of an appetite anyway. After walking, I took a shower to calm me down, as I felt very overheated and anxious.

During the Vipassana technique, I didn’t move once. The extra cushion for the meditation really did me some good. Have I mentioned there is a gal here who doesn’t sit on anything?! I think all of us are in silent awe (ha). Goenka talked us through the entire thing, observing our sensations on each part of the body, one by one. Much more exciting than just the nose. After that, it was time for tea. I got the best seat in the house, outside, facing the sunset. I keep taking mental notes of images I would like to watercolor later (not risking watercoloring while here). I went walking afterward, and it was just gorgeous. People seemed to be walking slower than usual in order to watch the sunset. I walked into the Extra Clothing Closet and picked out a warm jacket to borrow, because it’s getting colder in the mornings and at night, and picked up a blanket, in case it gets cold in my bed. The evening’s meditation seemed a lot easier. With the Vipassana technique, we are expected to keep our eyes shut, to not move our extremities and keep a straight back the entire time.

The discourse was about how our intentions are everything. Good intentions make us feel good, and bad intentions make us feel bad. It’s that simple. If you plant a lime tree, you will have bitter fruit, versus a mango tree. It’s not our actions or our verbalizations, it’s about our thoughts. I can’t tell who the teacher is staring at, at the conclusion of our meditations. I once tried to smile at her, and it didn’t seem mutual, or she didn’t see me. She was really focused. The final meditation seemed long because I was so tired. I never stay after to ask the teacher questions. I finally had a BM! Praise the bowel gods. Maybe, after going through the hardships of Day 4, my body found some much-needed relief.