Dr. Wise Money

Whoever said Day 3 is the hardest, didn’t quite make it to Day 4. I woke up at 2 AM, needing to use the restroom. The restroom window is always open, and I’m constantly paranoid someone or something is watching me when I am in there. The paranoia continued when I returned to my room. I barely slept and finally woke up around 5:45 AM. Yeah, yeah…I am supposed to be up at 4 AM for morning meditation. Whatever. Tell my body about it.

Breakfast was really light, a little cereal, soy milk, and prunes (that don’t do anything for me). I so want to request rice for breakfast. There was a sign posted that our schedule would be changed for the day. There would be no meeting with the teacher (nooo), and we would be learning the Vipassana technique during our afternoon mediation which would be three hours. I got in a mile on the racetrack. I love watching the sunrise over the desert. At morning meditation, I suffered more than ever before. I nearly fell asleep between my legs and rocked myself to stay awake. We were STILL focusing on the area below the nostrils (anapana meditation) and I was just done with it. I told the manager after meditation about my slow-going to the bathroom. She offered to pick me up something from CVS, but I explained what I need is only sold online. She then offered me Fleet, which I took because beggars can’t be choosers. But, what’s Bisacodyl? No Google to look that up. I really dislike laxatives.

When I got back to the room, I took out my writing supplies and felt panicked. I was feeling super claustrophobic and wanted to be home. Before I could even get my thoughts straight, the manager knocked and barged into my room (can they even do that?!), and said the teacher would like to meet with me. GULP. The sign said she wasn’t meeting with anyone today?! I imagined just telling her I’m DONE. Seriously, done! I can’t do this. I imagined how I would have to wait around for my mom or an uber/lyft to pick me up. I wonder if the manager saw that I had writing material out, and what that would mean for me… Can we write? I still don’t know. Would they collect it? If so, would they read it? Would they be offended by what they would read? Then I remembered, I have the penmanship of a 6-year-old child or doctor? We will go with the latter. They won’t be able to read it either way.

In the meeting, I found out she, the teacher had clearly taken notes on me, and noticed that I suffered during the morning meditation. My subtle rocking, was apparently super distracting to those who had their eyes open (aka just her and the male teacher?). She was concerned because our meditation would be a total of three hours straight this afternoon.  She said she would give me permission to take a 5-minute break if I felt the need to begin rocking again. She asked about my UTI and constipation. I guess the manager tells her everything? My writing! Gulp! She asked if all of the sounds are bothering me, and I responded it is better than it was yesterday. I explained that my butt is numb, and she recommended adding a cushion. After our meeting, I asked the manager if she had any recommendation on how to survive. She did not respond and proceeded into the teacher’s room. I panicked. She is only going to tattle tell about my contraband (is it even contraband? ahh!). Why didn’t I lock the damn door?! Also, good thing I didn’t have my watercolor painting set out (yes, I brought it with me).

I’m back in the room and going crazy. I figure they will kick me out before I can quit. I felt like absolute crap.

I go to lunch later than usual, and the manager is waiting outside and asks to speak with me. GULP. She hands me some Smooth Move tea bags and asked that I repeat the question of what I asked earlier because she didn’t hear it. She said that learning Vipassana meditation this afternoon will make me feel better. I then got teary and said I don’t think I can do this, and she responded that I can. I really began crying out of relief, knowing she might not have seen anything, or simply didn’t say anything to the teacher. I am still safe in dhammaland. Lunch is ok. There were a not-so-edible tofu steak, mashed potatoes, and my favorite salad. I didn’t have much of an appetite anyway. After walking, I took a shower to calm me down, as I felt very overheated and anxious.

During the Vipassana technique, I didn’t move once. The extra cushion for the meditation really did me some good. Have I mentioned there is a gal here who doesn’t sit on anything?! I think all of us are in silent awe (ha). Goenka talked us through the entire thing, observing our sensations on each part of the body, one by one. Much more exciting than just the nose. After that, it was time for tea. I got the best seat in the house, outside, facing the sunset. I keep taking mental notes of images I would like to watercolor later (not risking watercoloring while here). I went walking afterward, and it was just gorgeous. People seemed to be walking slower than usual in order to watch the sunset. I walked into the Extra Clothing Closet and picked out a warm jacket to borrow, because it’s getting colder in the mornings and at night, and picked up a blanket, in case it gets cold in my bed. The evening’s meditation seemed a lot easier. With the Vipassana technique, we are expected to keep our eyes shut, to not move our extremities and keep a straight back the entire time.

The discourse was about how our intentions are everything. Good intentions make us feel good, and bad intentions make us feel bad. It’s that simple. If you plant a lime tree, you will have bitter fruit, versus a mango tree. It’s not our actions or our verbalizations, it’s about our thoughts. I can’t tell who the teacher is staring at, at the conclusion of our meditations. I once tried to smile at her, and it didn’t seem mutual, or she didn’t see me. She was really focused. The final meditation seemed long because I was so tired. I never stay after to ask the teacher questions. I finally had a BM! Praise the bowel gods. Maybe, after going through the hardships of Day 4, my body found some much-needed relief.

Today I woke up at 4:15 AM to wash out the conditioning mask from my hair. I tried to fall back asleep but failed. Today’s breakfast was better than yesterday’s because they had my favorite fall fruit, persimmons! Honestly, I wish they would just serve us lunch leftovers because there is nothing savory for breakfast. Or at least offer eggs (everything is vegetarian at the center). I don’t think I have mentioned that I ran out of my oxygenated magnesium (my magic bm pills), which means I’ve barely gone to the bathroom. Even with eating vegan mush, and the copious amounts of water I’ve been drinking, and laps around the track… Nada. My morning walk was beautiful, but there is this one woman who gives me the strangest look each time she walks by. This is the third day I’ve noticed. Maybe I stare strangely at the other gals? I think we are all losing it. Speaking of communal spaces, sometimes we will hold the door for each other, and we will use our eyes to say thank you or bow, or accidentally mouth it or even say it. We aren’t supposed to gesture at each other, let alone break noble silence, but it happens. Noble habits are hard to break.

There are a mother and daughter here together, who often sit together, and sometimes gesture or whisper to each other. It’s sweet and makes me miss my own mom. Even though I did a conditioning treatment, my hair still feels dry. I mean, it’s the high desert. Also, my face feels super dry, and bumpy, maybe even hive-like. Am I overdoing the face masks, or allergic to something else?

The first meditation today was hard. It just felt longer than ever before. The teacher called us up in groups to see how we were doing with focusing on the nostrils and any sensations that arise during the meditations. I said it feels dry and warm, others said they could feel their nostrils expanding. My loud and older neighbor ‘Lydia’ said she can’t stop herself from falling asleep. We know… We can hear you snoring.

For lunch, I did what I promised I would do, which is to eat an entire plate of salad. On the side, I had a corn tortilla with beans and cilantro. I’ve been taking advantage of all of the seasonings they have to offer. There is the one I really like but I can’t remember the name. And nutritional yeast…mmm. After lunch, I waited patiently to speak with the teacher. While waiting, I realized the rabbits here don’t run away when you get near. They must know they are safe in Dhammaland.

During my ‘interview’ with the teacher, I expressed my frustrations and my agitation regarding my neighbor (Lydia), without naming names. She eluded that she knew exactly who I was talking about, without mentioning any specific names. She said this can be tough and unavoidable because we are a big group in a small room. She mentioned they are probably not doing it on purpose and hopefully, they will figure out it’s disturbing and stop. She recommended I turn my agitation into compassion. Maybe this person is having a difficult time? I then explained that I fluctuate between a feeling of peace and claustrophobia. She said it’s all normal. Just be aware of such, and let it go. Anicca(impermanence aka everything is temporary). After the meeting, I washed some of my clothes with hand soap and hung them out to dry. Kind of fun. Let’s see how quickly they dry. Yes, this is how we party in Dhammaland. I had time to make a round on the racetrack before the break was over. Also, I keep hearing weird sounds like someone is bombing. We are next to 29 Palms military base after all. The dichotomy!!! Real question. Would they stop the meditation if something serious was happening out there?

The afternoon meditation was also really hard for me. I ended up being the noisy one. I kept fidgeting and I just didn’t want to focus on my dry and burning nostrils. I thought about how I randomly woke up at 11:11 PM, and that it must have been a sign. I also thought about how one of the fellow meditators wears shirts with the strangest sayings written on them. I also thought about how it is majority white women here, and maybe just a quarter, or a little more of POC. Why is that? I look forward to the moment Goenka begins chanting (even though he has a frog-like voice) because that marks the end of our meditation. Tea break was same ol’, but I didn’t eat anything, because fruit just didn’t sound appetizing. My clothing dried quickly, but my towel was super hard. I decided to re-soak it and hang it up again.

This evening’s meditation was also difficult, and now I am wondering if it’s because I ate a larger lunch? I didn’t feel full though. That’s a question for tomorrow. Again, I was so ecstatic to hear Goenka’s concluding chanting. At discourse, he discussed how nothing is solid and how everything is impermanent (anicca). We are different people from moment to moment, and you will never touch the same water in a river (unless it’s a lazy river). Same with our feelings. We may feel ecstasy one moment, pain the next. As long as we acknowledge our feelings and do not attach, we are fine. Tomorrow we will finally begin Vipassana practice. Apparently focusing on just the nose and nostrils has been preparing us for this? The last meditation also felt long, and images and feelings of old friends came up, but it was all temporary… Anicca. I forgot to grab my towel and refused to walk outside alone. There are coyote droppings everywhere, and I can hear them digging outside my window at night.